Self Care- Background & Tips
"Remember, nobody who is actually happy has to stand in front of a mirror and tell himself that he's happy."
After years of dealing with if I figured it could be useful to share with everyone what my process has been and how I have handled it.
I was diagnosed my senior year of high school with depression and anxiety with panic disorder. My first panic attack was at Disney after the firework show. It was probably the scariest thing that had ever happened to me. I went to one appointment and they put me on a daily pill and a pill just for my panic attacks.
The first few pills I tried made me feel like a zombie. I was tired ALL the time, I felt like I was walking through a fun house. I never felt like I was better, I just felt like I was numbed. So I always just set my sights for getting off of the pills.
When Tyler and I moved to Alaska I stashed my pills in the medicine cabinet and quit cold turkey. I was happy, my panic attacks were practically non existent, and my depression was manageable. So I went a few years without any pills. I would have bouts of random depression downfalls but with the help of Tyler I climbed back out. We had a game plan for my panic attacks and they were happening so rarely I didn't really want to go talk to a doctor about them.
To be completely honest I was afraid the military would move us if they knew about my mental illness. Alaska isn't "equipped" to deal with severe mental health issues. I heard horror stories from other wives online that kept me from seeking help.
"At the end of the day, we can endure
more than we think we can." -Frida Kahlo
Fast forward to South Dakota. Tyler and I started trying for our little babe. It wasn't happening; I had an app, I checked my temperature every morning, I was taking prenatal vitamins, all sorts of mumbo jumbo. I was convinced I was damaged goods. (Which is RIDICULOUS...c'mon brain) I went full tail spin into my depression to the point where if I saw a pregnant woman at work I'd excuse myself to the bathroom to get in a quick pep talk that I could handle it.
It finally happened for us and I was miserably pregnant, but so happy. I felt like I was floating on a cloud only taking pit stops to throw up and grab some cheese! It was gloriously awful. (seriously pregnancy is SO magical..........yeah, magical) I could not wait to get my little girl in my arms!
Now jump forward to the glory's of Postpartum. I was tired, extremely tired. I was constantly being touched by someone and for an introvert that has anxiety. Being touched constantly is hard. Not to mention the pain you're in just makes your patience very slim.
Then came the good old Postpartum Depression.
People don't understand that when you have Depression it's like having a super bitchy/negative version of yourself in the back of your head saying stuff you couldn't imagine repeating out loud. There's no mute button, no way to shut her up fully.
I went on for months with it wavering, I would be fine for a few days and then really bad for a week. I DID NOT want to go and admit I had a problem to anyone, especially not a military doctor that would probably just try to give me some speech about how it was normal and send me on my way.
I felt like a complete failure for letting my depression creep back into my brain and take control. Especially when I should be "enjoying every second" and "not taking it for granted." (I know, people mean well.)
Bring in the Self Care and a sleep schedule for Aurora. I mean talk about a life saver! I was a new woman, I felt more like myself than I had in almost 10 months.
I started with just little things like putting on actual real life pants! If your a stay at home mom you know what I mean. Even if I wasn't going anywhere I would do my hair and my makeup. I took Auroras first nap to make myself human, drink my coffee, and listen to my music. That alone made my days so much better.
I think one of the things that was really making my depression bad was that I felt like I had lost myself. I was no longer Kim. I was a mom, a chef, a maid, and a caregiver. I left absolutely no time for myself. Full robot mode people.
Getting in my morning air.
SO, I made a game plan to get myself back. I created a tracker, you could use a chalk board, a notebook, or like me just a sheet of paper with a graph on it. On the left hand side I listed out all of the things I wanted to do through the day or week. I even, at the very bottom, put a Mental Health category. Everyday I would rate my overall mood and track it with the color of said mood.
Everyday I did something on the list I colored it in. It kept me on track and it kept me honest. Tyler also kept an eye on it to see how I was doing mentally, which I found helpful.
Some Examples of Self Care:
- One book a month
- Skin Care love
- Hair Mask
- Long bath
- One project a month
- Learn a new skill
- Try out a new recipe (Bake or Cook)
- Yoga/Exercise
- Journaling
- Declutter/Purge
- Yard Work (I LOVE yard work...just me?)
- Get out of the house
- Hike
- Walk
- Try a new coffee shop
- Spoil your little with a fun filled day
- Take a break from your phone!
- At home Mani Pedi
- Random Act of Kindness
- Yard Hangs in the sun or under the stars
Now that helps A LOT, keep it up and you'll definitely see changes.
However, I still wasn't completely happy with where I was mentally. I caved in and scheduled myself an appointment on base. I figured I'd go in, they would throw some pill at me, and push me out the door. That is not at all what happened! For the first time in my seven years of dealing with Mental Illness I spoke to a counselor about it.
It was quite nice, freeing up all of that space in my head...just word vomiting all of the shit my depression had been whispering my ear. I had three separate professionals on my case; a counselor, a nurse, and a doctor. After another month of self care routine and a few phone calls with the nurse we decided that it would be best for me to get back onto medicine. This time around it is a low dose of an anti depressant and that's it.
With that on top of my self care I'm the happiest I've been in years. The first thing I say when people come to be about their struggles is SELF CARE. You guys I couldn't recommend it anymore. That and a good health care team to help you through it all.
When your brain goes dark and makes you think things that you shouldn't be thinking. Don't avoid talking to someone about it. When you climb up out of the dark hole you've been pushed into you'll be so thankful you took the steps to getting help.
I'd be a lie to say depression and anxiety go away, because they don't. There will never be a time where you won't have to keep it in check. But, it does get easier to handle it. It just becomes part of your routine.
ANYWAYS. I'll end it with just one more tid bit.
If you ever need someone to talk to, you know where to find me.
